The MLB Baseball Anti-Awards

Dorf

11 years ago

HUMOR: If the MLB gave out plastic participation trophies at the end of the season for being unspectacular, these are the guys that would win these awards.

AL Anti-Batting Title

“I like to derp the baseball derp” – JP Arencebia.

Toronto Blue Jays Catcher J.P. Arencibia wins the hardware here. Dead last in batting average for all qualifying AL players, Arencibia is mashing an impressive .196 on the year and has struck out 145 times in 135 games. His walk rate is also astounding with an amazing 18 walks in 464 at bats.

NL Anti-Batting Title

“I swung and missed again… dang nabbit”, says Dan Uggla about once a game.

Atlanta Braves Second Baseman Dan Uggla takes home this trophy. Before getting shut down for the regular season to have lasic eye surgery, this king of the swing was hitting a svelte .181 on the season and had struck out 165 times in only 132 games.

Plastic Sluggers-

The award given to the worst hitter at each position.

“(Grunts) What is this stick thingy in my hand, I’m not sure (Grunt).” – Jason Giambi

C: J.P. Arencibia – Toronto Blue Jays .196/.230/.369, 145 k’s and 18 bb.
Hey, JP. Take a pitch every once and a while.
1B: Adam Dunn – Chicago White Sox .218/.320/.433, 182 k’s, 75 bb.
I might strike out a bunch, but I will at least draw a walk once and a while.
2B: Dan Uggla – Atlanta Braves .181/.310/.368, 165 k’s, 74 bb.
I might be blind, but if I do it goes really, really far.
3B: Luis Valbuena – Chicago Cubs .219/.332/.379, 62 k’s, 53 bb.
The farm system is so empty, I can’t even lose my job.
SS: Starlin Castro – Chicago Cubs .241/.280/.342, 125 k’s, 29 bb.
Yo dawg, I like to swing… at everything.
OF: Chris Young – Oakland Athletics .199/.279/.380, 90 k’s, 30 bb.
I guess there is a reason I only got 300 at bats.
OF: Travis Snider – Pittsburgh Pirates .220/.287/.341, 74 k’s, 24 bb.
I should have taken that football scholarship.
OF: Vernon Wells – New York Yankees .241/.289/.361, 69 k’s, 29 bb.
Who cares, I’m still the second highest player in the league.
DH: Jason Giambi – Cleveland Indians .177/.276/.354, 55 k’s, 22 bb.
How do I get regular at bats for a contender? I’m Jason Giambi, and I’m not sure how either.

The Pleather Glove Awards-

Given to the worst fielder at each position.

(Heckling Fan) Yo, Pedro. It helps to actually look at the ball when you try and field it.

C: J.P. Arencibia – Toronto Blue Jays. Had a league worst 11 errors as a catcher, and allowed a putrid 74.4% stolen base rate.
1B: Brandon Moss – Oakland Athletics. Only had 7 errors in 712 chances, but had a league worst range factor of 6.41 as calculated by mlb.com. To put that number in perspective, the round mound of pound, Prince Fielder, had a range factor of 8.47.
2B: Chase Utley – Philadelphia Phillies. Has the worst fielding percentage among qualifying second sackers, and has committed 17 errors, only one more than second worst Daniel Murphy, who has played over 250 more innings on defense this season.
3B: Pedro Alvarez – Pittsburgh Pirates. Has committed a awful 27 errors on the year, which leads the league by five, and has a league worst 93.9% fielding percentage. Has more errors than double plays participated in. Makes Miguel Cabrera look like a gold glover.
SS: Alexi Ramirez – Chicago White Sox. Has committed 22 errors on the season and has the second worst fielding percentage among qualifying shortstops.
OF: Alejandro De Aza – Chicago White Sox. Is tied for the lead with the other two clowns on this list in errors by outfielders, but has played 300 more innings.
OF: Josh Hamilton – Los Angeles Angels. Has never been considered to be a good fielder, but has 8 errors and only 3 assists. A fielding percentage below 98% should never be acceptable for an outfielder, and he’s below 96.7%.
OF: Giancarlo Stanton – Who cares, he hits 500 foot bombs all day. Has a cannon for an arm, just airmails his intended target often.

Alan Trammel Award

Given to the Worst Manager of the season. The namesake of the award, former Detroit Tigers manager Alan Trammell who earned his name on this prestigious award for having the stout career winning percentage of .383 and skippering his 2003 Tigers to an almost Major League record for losses with 119.

Bo many know baseball, but that hasn’t help him much with the hapless Astros.

Bo Porter – Houston Astros. Not that he has any talent to work with, but he’s already lost 106 games in his managerial debut. The ‘Stros are a pathetic 30 games below .500 at home, and only 25 below on the road. His stellar .325 percent winning percentage may get the award renamed after him next season.